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Seattle writer/professional dominatrix's personal musings, rants and life-trivia...
Friday, October 31, 2008
First, a special hello to the people I met last night at a lovely private event. Jae and I enjoyed seeing you all.
If you like pretty women’s feet, there’s a party coming up for you in Seattle! I will be appearing at the grand re-launching of the Seattle Footnight Parties on Thursday November 13th! If you’re interested, check out the web site for more information and registration.
I attended several of these parties when they were happening a couple of years ago in Seattle, and they were great fun. They stopped happening for a while, so I’m pleased that local domme/model Kourhina has gotten something happening for all the local foot-loving men. The party organizers have got a great space, and I think it’ll be a very successful party.
And if the website is correct, several other cool ladies I know are going to be there: Lady Lydia and Mistress Carmen are slated to appear. So is Tasty Trixie, who I know only through our blogs, but whom will be pleased to meet in Real Life.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
It’s been my observation that very often, when men are having trouble reaching an orgasm, it’s not because they aren't enjoying the sex, it's just because they’re thinking too much. They are too much in their head - and not the little one.
(Absent there being a real physiological issue, of course – fatigue, for example, or a prescription drug that’s slowing things down.)
It could be work matters that are intruding into his mind, or some nagging bit of sexual anxiety. It happens to women, too, of course. But I think with men, the trick is to do at least one of two things:
1) Give them something compelling to look at. Men are generally visual creatures, no big news there. So if there’s nothing happening for him to watch, give him something. Whatever it is you’re doing, shift positions so he can see you clearly, and arrange yourself so as to present the prettiest picture. Making more noise will probably help, too. That added stimulus will help occupy the part of his brain that’s getting distracted from the sex.
2) Put something in his mouth. I’m serious. I have seen it over and over again – if a man is having trouble getting off, a body part in his mouth will focus him and push him over the edge. Could be a pussy, a cock, a nipple, your tongue, your toes, whatever. No matter what it is, if you like it sucked and he knows that, then push that oral-fixation button, baby. And if he doesn’t orgasm - well, you’ve got his tongue in a happy place, so that’s all good. Letting him give you pleasure is a smooth way to shift into some other sexual gear, if need be. Cocks can get over-stimulated and balk. Giving them a little time to cool off and then circling back around to them often works better than trying to insist that they come now.
Naturally sex doesn’t have to end in an orgasm to be good, hot sex. But when you want one, you want one! So happy sexing…
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
I found your website on the internet, and actually, I'm not emailing for a session. I'm emailing because I want your opinions.Well, just between you and I – I do not, in fact, have full-time slaves in the sense that you mean.
I'm a 25-year-old man not learning about submission and domination but learning more about myself. I need to know what it is about men that makes them want to serve you completely…your personal house slaves.
I ask because I have noticed that when I feel chemistry with a woman I feel a desire to be completely controlled by her, but not in the way that might be familiar to you….I feel seriously deprived emotionally, and sometimes I feel like all I want is to serve a woman hand and foot because of an emotional need to please rather than to be put down or controlled. In other words, I don't like the silly domination games such as, "Clean the kitchen while you’re naked." The kind of games that are designed to see how far a person would go to serve the dominatrix.
As an example, my best friend is actually a very beautiful lesbian with whom I have a lot of chemistry, but who obviously would never have sex with me. She is a very materialistic girl, and I've found that nothing makes me happier than to make her happy and to talk to her. I actually don't even like pursuing straight girls anymore because I'm intrigued by how she makes me feel. And of course, the fact that she's unavailable makes her more tantalizing, but that's one of the things I want to understand.
I want to know why your slaves do what they do. Do you find them to be emotionally involved with you? Or do they expect that eventually you will have sex with them and become disappointed when you don't?
I'm asking you because this is the kind of thing I can't discuss with most people, but of course, it wouldn't surprise you. Thank you if you do even read this email, and more so if you actually answer it. Emailing you has actually been somewhat helpful.
I know, I know, it's practically heresy for a dominatrix to say that, but it's true. I don’t have them because while I love having control of someone else in erotic situations, and I’m pleased to maintain some low level of dominant/submissive energy with certain people even out of scene, I don’t want to have total control of another person every single minute of every single day. I’m not that kind of dominant. To have a relationship, ethically and skillfully, with someone you call your slave is a huge responsibility that I don’t want. So I don’t do it.
Moreover, I think strict, highly-polarized D/s relationships are extremely difficult to sustain over more than a few months of time. (That is, they are if you see each other very often. If you don't see each other very much, it's easier.) I’ve known a few people who were able to do day-in/day-out relationships like that, but not many. It is not nearly as common as BDSM fiction would have you think.
However, of the people I know who have strict D/s relationships – some of them are sexual with their slaves, some are not. It’s a matter of personal style, and the wishes of those involved. But I would definitely say that they are all emotionally involved with each other. It’s a very deep emotional connection to have that kind of relationship with someone.
Now, I have to say: I’m somewhat baffled by this letter. If the kind of control you fantasize about is not the kind you think I do, then why are you asking me for advice?
But if you’re just asking for my opinion in general, I’d say that just based on the situation you’re describing… you’re an emotional masochist. And that’s not a good thing.
That’s not a real psychological term, of course, and it’s not a BDSM term, either. But you’re engaging in an unrequited love/lust thing with a bitchy-but-beautiful lesbian who doesn’t return your feelings. You imply that you’re giving her money or gifts or something? And you’re not even trying to find a woman who might love you back? I call that emotional masochism, my friend. I will bet you any amount of money that the situation you're describing is not going to end in you being happy and getting what you want.
I think you need to work out whatever is so fascinating to you about this kind of interaction, or else you’re going to keep doing it over and over. You’re only 25, so nip this in the bud now and learn how to have real relationships, because whether you're vanilla or kinky or somewhere in between, being attracted to unavailability is a recipe for frustration and unhappiness.
There are many different motivations to be a submissive, and I’m not one to say “Your motives are valid - but you over there, yours are not.” But I think a spell of good talk therapy would teach you a lot about yourself that you need to know, and then you can make a better decision about whether you really want to be controlled by another person.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Especially right now. I myself have an unusual opportunity today: I've got a couple of hours to kill in Atlanta, where there is - drumroll, please - a Neiman Marcus store. I like NM, and we don't have one in Seattle, you see. So when I first booked this trip, I had thought I'd take the opportunity to do a little post-parental retail therapy. I was quite looking forward to it.
But you know, I have a feeling I'm not going to be able to bring myself to spend any money. I'm just that uneasy. It's disappointing, but I just don't think I can justify it to myself. I do feel that in the long term, the economy will recover itself, and my personal financial life will be okay. But today, even though I am not experiencing any let-up whatsoever in my business, I don't think I'm going to be comfortable buying any expensive clothes.
Which is a shame, because I would like to. Is it too late to declare myself a candidate for VP?
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
But I'm pleased to be heading home tomorrow. I fly from Savannah to Atlanta, and then I have about five hours to kill before my flight to Seattle. That's a long time to hang out at the airport, even with WiFi. I'm seriously considering getting in a cab and going to up Lenox Mall to do a little shopping. (Or maybe I'd take MARTA, although I'm not familiar with the system.)
It's either that or I find a Gold's Gym and get in a workout. Exercise versus retail, that's a tough one...
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Her husband hasn't said as much, but I think he's considering voting for Obama, too. For him even to be on the fence about it is significant. This is an affluent, conservative, older white man, former military, pillar of the business community, born and raised right here in Atlanta. He's been quietly but steadily Republican all his life. If this type of man is doubting McCain, that's a bad sign for that campaign. Anything could happen, but...
Also, as promised: pictures!
Monday, October 20, 2008
I think pictures and Twitters will be all I'm good for until Thursday.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
But I have such wonderful fabulous people in my life who love me even when I'm not super-witty. Thank you, fabulous people.
And I have pretty pictures to look at. Monk likes this one.
I'll be clever again soon...
Thursday, October 16, 2008
In other political gossip, I did get a nice email from Bill Whittle, the guy who wrote the National Review Online article I blogged about last week. Someone told him I'd written about his piece, and we had a pleasant exchange about it. It's safe to say he and I don't agree about the overall health care issue. He says that having free health care would makes us slaves. I think that Mr. Whittle has no idea how difficult it is to make even one person a really good slave, let alone a nation of them. Sure, we'd all be in chat rooms and on personals sites, saying we were slaves, but in reality we'd be whining, demanding, manipulative do-me queens, who expected our government overlords to fall out of bed every morning in full fetish attire and spank our butts before they even had a cup of coffee. Trust me on this, Mr. Whittle - in six months our liberal Masters and Mistresses would be running for the exits. It's not for wimps, this slave-making business.
But he disagreed with something I said in that post. I represented him as having his mind firmly made up on the matter, but he says that's not so. Mr. Whittle says, "I will be the first person to admit when I am wrong, if I can be convinced I was wrong by a sound argument supported by facts and logic. To say I changed my mind is a badge of honor for me."
Well, all right then, I stand corrected. Let the record show his statement. Let the record also show that he complimented the picture of me in the white dress. Always nice to find some points of agreement with everyone you meet...
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
It'll take me a while to go through and pick out my real favorites, so check the Flickr feed as I slowly upload the good ones. But here's a snapshot of me in the place where all good photos have their genesis: the makeup chair.
I'm very very pleased to have new images. So thank you to Craig, for his lovely work!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Monk and I need to go record some more episodes, this is the last one in the chute. So if you have long and complex questions about BDSM or sex work or polyamory or quantum mechanics* or the global economy**, and you're okay with some kidding, write us. We may read your letter on the air and give you the benefit of whatever wisdom/sarcasm we possess.
*Well, not really. I mean, you could ask us, but...
** Okay, definitely not. Unless it's something I could answer by quoting you an article in The Economist.
Monday, October 13, 2008
But teaching a class full of authors how to write about kink, or sex work, or polyamory in fiction? That's different. And I just never know how people outside the love bubble - especially women - are going to respond to the full-on "Mistress Matisse" experience. But the attendees were cool, and it turned out to be a lot of fun. I also got to hang out with Hannah and Sparkle, which was great.
Another cause for happiness: I have six whole days before I have to fly anywhere! I'm going to Atlanta on the 19th, to visit my family, and I'm coming back the 23rd. (Special thanks go out to the man appropriately nicknamed Jet, for scoring me a first class ticket. That's a really nice thing to have on any flight, but if I'm traveling coast to coast, it's absolutely mandatory.)
So if you're wanting to get time with me, contact me soon. I have some time available this week, and I'd love to see some of the friends I've had to regretfully decline due to my recently-insane schedule.
Friday, October 10, 2008
This is why I don’t think I’m ever going to be a really gold-star liberal. I sorta kinda agree a little bit with this article in the National Review.
I know, the National freakin’ Review, bastion of hard-right-wingers everywhere. Don’t ask how I got to the link, I read way too much political stuff, and I’m not sure it’s entirely good for me. I was ranting about the general idiocy of Lou Dobbs to a friend yesterday. He stared at me thoughtfully and said, “You should really not be allowed to watch TV or read the newspapers until after the election.” I think he feared for my blood pressure or something.
(Hah, like you could keep me from reading. Good luck with that. So, anyway, I somehow clicked through some link or other and wound up reading the article. This post will make no sense to you unless you do, too, but the article is pretty short, so you can click over there and then come back.)
It’s about health care, and the question author Bill Whittle poses is: is health care a right? He’s springboarding off the answer Obama gave in the last debate – which was “Yes.” Mr. Whittle, you will not be astonished to learn, disagrees.
Now understand, I have not spent any more time studying the problem of health care than the average healthy person. That means: not much. But it’s true that when people say “health care is a right”, I think to myself, really?
I mean, a right. Seriously? I don’t understand that. I can see, as any reasonable person can, that everyone having all the health care they need is by far the most desirable state of affairs, and that it’s a worthy goal for us to strive for as compassionate human beings. I can understand the idea that we should all make some contribution to the world and be kind to people who are less fortunate than ourselves. I have no argument with that.
But a right? I think of rights as pretty basic things: life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, the right to free speech and free association – those are examples of rights, in my mind. I don’t know if having health care, as needful as it is, is in that category to me. I generally dislike “slippery slope” arguments, because they don’t really address the issue. But Whittle’s extension of the idea to food and shelter has a certain punch: you will die without food, so why is food not “a right”?
Of course, many people would say that being fed and housed is a right. I’m not saying that it’s wrong to want to care for other people, and to work towards that goal, I’m simply saying I don’t understand how those things are rights. Those types of statements feel to me like they’re watering down the idea of what a right really is. When I think of rights, I think of things that I have, inside me, which should not be taken away from me by any outside force. They are things that are integral to me being a human being. I don’t inherently have health care, or food or shelter. I must create some situation in which I get them. Or someone else must create it. But it doesn't just happen.
It may well be that I just have a blind spot about this. I’ve almost never been legally employed by anyone, and I have definitely never been employed anywhere that had health care benefits. Thus, I’ve always had to provide my own health care insurance. That’s just…what you do, in my head. In fact, I’ve never even entertained the idea of getting any form of government assistance, like unemployment, welfare, food stamps, student loans/grants, or anything like that. I don’t think those programs are bad, I just haven’t participated in them. The whole concept of anyone else being involved in providing my health care is foreign to me. I suppose when I’m old I’ll make use of Medicare, if it’s still there. And if I try, I can certainly construct a scenario in my head – an extremely unpleasant one- which would end with me applying for government aid. So I'm not saying "oh, I'm too good for that, I'd never do it."
I can see that there’s some disconnect between my ideas that “It’s okay that taxes fund some food/shelter/medical care for people who need it” and “But it’s not a right”. If it’s not a right, then why is it acceptable for the government to pay for it? I don’t know. That’s a gap in my reasoning that I can’t explain. But my point is not that the government shouldn’t help people. It’s just that the idea of my having a right to some external thing I didn’t work for/pay for is puzzling to me. Unlike the author, I’m not unwilling to be persuaded to another point of view. If someone makes a clear and cogent argument to me about how health care really qualifies as a right, then I’ll change my mind. I haven’t heard that yet, though.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
(Bigger versions in the Flickr feed.)
Lately whenever I post studio photos, someone invariably remarks, "You don't look very domme-ly." To which I reply, "Just because I'm a dominatrix does not mean I have to brandish a riding drop and sneer in every damn photo I ever pose for." I've done the corset-and-thigh-high-boots shots. That was fine then, and some of the pictures turned out very nicely, but I'm over it. It's boring. I cannot do a good shoot if I'm just bored to pieces by what I'm doing. I wanted pictures of me in the clothes that make me feel sexy and good. And I assure you, I can deploy my cuffs, clothespins, floggers, electrodes, et cetera just as well in a designer dress - or jeans, for that matter, or nothing at all - as I can wearing a plastic outfit from Hot Topic.
What I would like to do, sometime, is a shoot where I just play with someone - someone I have a real and genuine connection with - and someone shoots it. No posing, no "wait, stop, that's good, but do it again with your shoulder turned this way" directions. That I would do, and I'd enjoy it. So maybe when my life slows down a bit I'll see about arranging such a thing. Meanwhile, enjoy the previews of coming attractions.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
It's been great - we lolled by the pool, we gambled a bit, we shopped. (That's me at the shops in the Venetian Hotel - a very, very dangerous place.)
We also saw Zumanity, which was delightful. It's funny - there are not many "fantasy" careers that really appeal to me. I think I have a fantasy career, frankly. So I don't wish I was a rock star, or a supermodel, or a movie star. (Or a vice-presidential candidate.)
The only thing that ever makes me fantasize about a different life is watching Cirque du Soleil shows. I'm not going to run away and join the circus - although I did take trapeze and Spanish Rope lessons for a while - but Cirque du Soleil makes me wish, just for little while, that I could. Even though I've seen lots of their shows, they always have moments of such beauty and grace that I envy the performers, even though I have some idea of what physical rigors they go through in order to achieve it. Our bodies are such fragile and impermanent things, and the art they make also lasts only a brief moment - but it's so lovely in that moment. It just moves me.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Okay, I'm kidding, I'm not really going to do that. Maybe I'll put twenty dollars into a slot machine instead, that's about my speed for gambling.
Meanwhile - a new podcast, in which Monk and I talk sex work strategies for safety and emotional self-care.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
My cat and I have spent more time in the vet's office lately that either one of us cared to - a rare instance in which we are in complete agreement on something - but a couple rounds of medication later, we seem to be on the right track. I am vastly amused to find that many years of sticking needles into adult humans as a form of recreation does seem to help when getting the hang of injecting meds into a disapproving feline. I don't need to be told how to not stick myself in the thumb, for example. Nor need I be told how to properly dispose of used needles.
So once again, thank you for the well-wishes.
Veering from the home front to the national: I am not a serious Maureen Dowd fan. However, I was very entertained by this column, and I agree with what she's saying . These kinds of feelings are the root of my negative response to Sarah Palin and others of her "Just Folks" political brand. "Frontier Baroque", indeed. In fact, some of my pre-campaign willingness to consider voting for McCain was based on the fact that he never, ever talked like that.
Thoughts on "Religulous": I am not a serious Bill Maher fan, either. He's clever and funny, of course, but too often his cynicism comes off, to me, as bitterness. Now, there are plenty of things in the world one might reasonably be bitter about. But that's not something I seek out as entertainment. Jon Stewart, for example, manages to rant and rail hilariously, and yet maintain a certain sweetness and charm that makes me think he'd be pleasant to be around in person.
Still, I wanted to see this documentary just because it's been so talked-about. And Bill does pretty much just what you'd think he would do - goes around with a camera and a microphone and skewers strongly religious people with the illogic of their beliefs. It is funny, although it's so heavily edited that one wonders what was cut out. And some of the people he interviews - well, when you are not accustomed to talking to the media, it's easy to get lured into saying things that make you look like a fool. There were moments when I did think, "Oh come on Bill, pick on someone your own size."
Many of them are worthy targets, though, and the segments with the evangelical Senator from Arkansas are hilarious. Overall, I think it's well worth seeing. Also worthy of note: the movie audience clapped at the end. Loudly. They also clapped and cheered for trailer of the upcoming Oliver Stone movie about G. W. Bush. As I said to Monk, "It is nice to be living in a liberal city."
Friday, October 03, 2008
Preface: I had originally planned to not post this call for opinions on this blog, because I wanted to solicit answers from more narrowly-focused groups of BDSM-identified people. But frankly, I'm not getting any takers! Everyone seems to be voting for for Obama. It would be interesting to think that all the kinky people in the world are Democrats, but I happen to know that ain't so. I am personally acquainted with some very kinky Republicans who are smart people and who have thoughtful views on the issues. So perhaps they'll offer me their opinion.
"Why I’m Voting For John McCain..."
That’s what I’d like to know from you – if you are. I’m interested in doing a column about people for whom BDSM/kink/whatever-you-prefer-to-call-it is an active/daily part of their lives, and who intend to vote Republican in the Presidential election.
I know that a lot of people who are not all that kinky read me. I'm pleased to have those folks here. But the people I want to hear from around this issue are the serious, but serious BDSM people. So let me channel Joe Biden in the debates last night and say it again: what I’m looking for is Republican voters who are sincerely wedded to their identity as a BDSM person, and for whom that is a defining feature of their life.
(Or their identity as a D/s person, or a kinky person, or a fetish person, or whatever term you prefer to employ. Master/slave, female-led relationships, domestic discipline households - insert whatever term you like into that sentence. )
I would like to hear from people from whom what-it-is-we-do is a daily or constant feature of their life. While I loathe and despise the term “lifestyle” in any context, I suppose that’s one way of expressing what I mean here: lifestyle BDSM people.
If you’d like to be quoted, send me an email telling me why you’re choosing McCain, and how that fits in with your identity as a BDSM person. (Or whatever you call yourself, please tell me how you'd like to be described.)
Now, some guidelines: I have very limited space and I want to offer a lot of people’s responses, so I’m looking for answers that are short and snappy, about fifty words or so, max. Equally, your identity label needs to be short, three or four words.
And answers that are just about how much you don’t like Obama probably won’t make it in – I want to hear about why you do like McCain and think he’s the right choice, not about why you don’t like the other guy.
Tell me what name you'd like to be called, and what state you live in, please. And thanks in advance for your participation.
Mistress Matisse @ aol.com
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Also, just because it's cool and very good advice: the Red Light District Chicago site - information for and about sex workers. The video about "what to do if you get arrested" is sassy and savvy, and it applies to people besides sex workers, too.
Now I need to finish writing up my outline for the class I'm teaching in ten days at a romance writer's conference, and then get a column in the can before I leave for Vegas on Sunday, because I don't want to be working on that while I'm in Sin City.
Thank you to all the pet-lovers who dropped me nice notes wishing my sick old cat well. She seems better...